My eyes close.
Just in time to hear the action of the gun audibly click.
Deep in the bowels of that dark alley.
The gunpowder is ignited.
And the thrust of the explosion forces the bullet from the gun barrel.
Careening into the space between myself and the gun.
Deep into the bone & flesh of my right knee.
And, oh the pain filled up my brain.
And I knew that I could still make it out.
Get away, all on my own.
My eyes open.
Springing open wide at the rush of pain to the head.
As my hands instinctively stretch out.
Reaching for a way to prop up my falling frame.
Resting my body on the wall.
Hoping against hope that my left leg won’t fail.
And, oh the pain filled up my brain.
And I knew that I could still make it out.
Get away, all on my own.
But just before.
Right as I turned to stagger off.
A click.
A bang.
A fleshy thud.
My eyes close.
Just as my body falls.
And it falls hard upon that unforgiving concrete.
The pain in my legs soon overwhelms the pain in my head.
And I wish I could shut it out.
I wish it would all go far, far away.
APN.
Copyright 10/08/2006
November 14th, 2006 11:39
-your use of language draws out the moment, very much like that pre-disaster moment when time seems to slow mystically, and you become hyper-aware of every element around you. You’ve captured this effectively.
-the parallel between the self-isolation (“Get away, all on my own.”) and the isolation that comes from being a target, of experiencing deep pain.
I’m very interested to see how this unfolds.
November 14th, 2006 13:35
And I knew that I could still make it out.
Get away, all on my own.”
I really like the two newest poems on your site, they are very lyrical. The imagery is good, I am just not sure about the pain/brain combination. It changes the tone of the piece since nothing else rhymes.
November 14th, 2006 13:35
Not sure what the German stuff was…
November 14th, 2006 13:53
Wilsonian — I’m glad that you felt that I captured that “mystical” slowing of time. That was my goal with the words I chose.
Elaine — I wanted the rhyme to be there, intentionally, in a way that wasn’t a traditional rhyme structure, because of the use of that section twice.
And the German — well, I borrowed this template from a German template site and I can’t always catch the places the German was used or even modify the template to use English. Oh well….
November 15th, 2006 19:07