Dryvetyme Onlyne

So, here I sit – at a friend’s house with my Small Group on Labor Day evening, September 4th of 2006. If you would have asked me 3 months ago where I would be on this night, I would have told you that I’d be on the road, traveling to Philadelphia, PA, preparing to begin classes for a Master of Divinity degree at Biblical University. However, a great deal has happened in the past 2 months, brought about by a certain series of events that I brought into motion, though these actions weren’t designed to shift the whole course of the next year or so of my life. I don’t believe in coincidences really, so I know that what has occurred need to occur, but facing one’s fears, faults, and failings is never pleasant. Thus, the past 2 months haven’t really been that easy to deal with or any more enjoyable to have gone through – true introspection is really rather painful, as necessary as it is proving to be.

I had made a great deal of preparations for the next three years – the classes for the Fall 2006 school year; a job to pay for tuition, room, & board; a church to attend; and even finding friends & acquaintances to bring into my life. It was comforting, it was encouraging, and the thought of what lied in my future excited me to no end. I mean, how would you feel if your future had opened up, wider than you could have ever imagined, after years of feeling boxed up by what life had offered to you? I had spent the past year working for a great school, living with a great friend, being loved by great friends, and truly enjoying life, a life that I had created.

Yet it all came crashing down around me. Or did it? I now believe that I have been the one who has spent years pulling those walls down around myself; everything that I built had proven worthless, fractured, and very dirty. I had taken the tools from the hands of God and used my hands, my efforts, my talents, and my ambitions to pursue my own ends. Oh, I listened to God, but I really only considered God’s advice on a good day; too often, I pursued my personal ways & means, all under the guise of doing and/or following God’s will. Funny thing that God’s will – it seems that, after all of my machinations, God’s will finally found its way into my life and quite violently took over. My world was in shambles and I was at the bottom of a very deep & dark hole that I had dug for myself.

Nevertheless, God has been faithful to me, even though I have closed my ears & eyes for quite some time. What I thought should have happened did not and what did happen (the exposure of my deepest, darkest, most horrible behaviors) was the last thing I ever would have desired. Funny thing that God’s will concept – we never really know what it looks like until it’s right on top of you. But why is God faithful? Why do I think such a thing, even after the shit of my life has been dug up, spread all over my face, my hands, my heart, my past, my present, AND my future, that there’s a God that still loves me? It’s because I’m still here. I am still here and I’m still surrounded by people who love me, even though my actions haven’t been filled with love, even though I’ve ignored those people who do love me, even though I’ve kept my life hidden from the people who care about me most. Even with ALL of my screw-ups, hurts, failings, imperfections, and brokenness, I am still here and I have God to thank for that.

So, here I sit – at a friend’s house with my Small Group on Labor Day evening, September 4th of 2006. I have no clue what will be presenting itself in the next year or so and that’s OK. I’ve been learning what it’s like to not rely upon myself, as scary as that proposition might be for someone like me, since I quite enjoy keeping tabs on everything that’s going on. I only know that I am enjoying this time reconnecting with my family & friends as never before, re-establishing the bonds of love that I had severed, because keeping them truly intact didn’t fit in with how I thought life should progress. I was willing to move to Philadelphia, PA, leaving behind my friends and family to pursue my plans, dreams, and goals, increasingly breaking my life into smaller and smaller bits, and collecting them in a little safe-deposit box to which only I had the key. But I’ve opened the door to that safe, emptied out the contents, thrown away the key, and invited God and everyone else to help me put my life back together again. I shattered my life on my own, but I want and desperately need the involvement of everyone so that this Humpty-Dumpty can be put back together again.

Join me on this journey – I’ve been traveling alone for quite awhile and some company would be rather nice…