Apr 15 2005

Eloquence

Category: Uncategorized — dryvetyme @ 20:47

Seriously now….

I often wonder if I should attempt to write great and inspiring things like my friends. Oh, I know that I can talk about things with fairly decent erudition, and I can write fairly well about whatever strikes my fancy (my professors in college rather enjoyed and frequently commended my writing style), but I have yet to attempt to craft a piece of blog-lit akin to the postings of my friends/associates. I look at it this way though — they’re writing it, I’m commenting upon it, they’re commenting back, and we see each other in person often enough that I shouldn’t feel any kind of “blog-envy.”

But I do and I’m not sure why. We share distinctly similar backgrounds and experiences with/in the church, so maybe I just feel like I need to make my contribution towards the deconstruction of those experiences and even lifestyles, as well as the construction of new paradigms in terms of “being the church”. However, when I look back over my blog, I begin to think that maybe my contribution isn’t so much in the academic/theological realm, but maybe more in the poetic/literary sense. Of course, this is a fairly transparent description of my contribution, since I tend to write stream-of-consciousness type blogs and typically fancy myself as a character in a Hemingway or Orwell novel. I think it’s also a manifestation of my attempt to write in the nonfiction realm akin to the styles of the people whom I read as well as adapt my thoughts into possibly a fictional form. Well, it is an attempt….

However, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that maybe I need to be more focused in what I bring to the discussion. Or maybe I just need to not worry about trying to “contribute” and just write what’s important to me. People usually can see through someone trying to write after a certain style or model and value that which looks honest and vulnerable. I know that I do. I know that I find most admirable and worthy of being read that which isn’t a certain way, but is just itself. Yes, that’s a fairly cliche’d concept, but when done right is a wonder to behold. And no, I don’t think I’m there yet; my ego has rarely ever been that big. My fear usually outweighs my confidence.

Apr 14 2005

Begin the Begin

Category: Uncategorized — dryvetyme @ 21:55

I talk about getting started (finally) with my music, so I think of a way to find places to play my music. There are local, independent coffeeshops in my locality where I can play, so what keeps me from calling them? Fear of failure? Fear of rejection? Maybe. Probably. But if I don’t try, I can’t fail, I can’t get rejected.

Thus, I write this mostly because I have to realize that I can do this. Well, I can’t on my own — I have to realize that God wants me to use my gifts. And no, I’m not trying to be cheesy in a spiritual sense — I’m finally hearing God talk to me. I finally hear Him telling me, “Hey there. Deaf boy. Blind boy. Do something, for goodness’ sake. You whine too much about NOT doing something, so get out there and do something.” It’s like I tell me close friend — I’ve spent SOOOO much time deconstructing, that I have to arrive at a way/means by which I can construct something. Tearing down only gets one so far before one finally come to the time & place of choosing to build. The problem with building is that it costs SOOOO much more in time and resources than tearing down, but the end result of building up is SOOOOO much more rewarding than that of tearing down.

Hence, I’ve got to make the calls, secure the venues, find enough confidence in myself (and Jesus living through me) to make the move to contribute something/anything. If I think that I have something to give, I’ve got to be willing to give anything/everything out of me. I think of my favorite singers/songwriters/performers/bands and see people who give of themselves fully to their art form (and with some of them to the Purpose behind their art). They look totally spent on stage because they pour themselves completely into their art, since it’s their life. And if I’m not willing to empty myself out to others (and God) through my art and my gifts, then I have no business even dreaming of being a writer/musician. If I can’t give of myself, then I have no business taking from others. I’ve just gotta get going with things. I’ve been sitting too long….

Apr 14 2005

Stuff about Work (again)

Category: Uncategorized — dryvetyme @ 21:37

So here’s this….

I had a good conversation with the girl that I run this store with, though technically she’s the manager and I’m the assistant. THAT is a whole other matter all together, which I won’t get into at the moment. We were both very open about addressing our employment futures — she’s looking to finally get into college, but she’s not sure what she wants to study (a typical problem amongst college kids anyway) and I just want to get the heck out of where I’m working now and into something larger. I’m looking more for a place where I can grow, where I feel like I’m actually doing something, where I do NOT feel like I’m a peddler of hokey, religious crap.

We were both open about the fact that we don’t want to be at the store for our lives, that we don’t want to make careers out of what we’re doing now, a statement that I found blessedly welcome to hear from her lips. Continue reading “Stuff about Work (again)”

Apr 13 2005

Chords of Discord

Category: Uncategorized — dryvetyme @ 20:30

I rather do like making music, though I’ve spent much of my adult life being stifled in that regard, mostly by the organized church, and sometimes my own insecurities. And I’ll admit that I’m not the most accomplished guitar player, I don’t have the best licks, I’m not that disciplined in many regards, and I know enough music theory (thanks to being a band nerd) to make me scary when it comes to composition and arrangement. However, I just like making music — strumming my guitar, working out melody lines, chord changes, progressions of thought, the contemporary poetry represented in lyrics to that music being played. All of that stuff. All of it. I write as therapy sometimes. I strum to keep the mental bugaboos away. And there are times that I flee from it all because I find myself saying to myself that I don’t have any business playing music — no one’s appreciated it before, so who’s gonna start now? I don’t know — I’m sure that there’s lots of past hurts, guilt, and self-loathing there, as well as fears that I won’t be understood or written off as a hack or copycat. But that never stopped other people — rejection should propel me to strive harder, especially if this music stuff really mattered so much to me.

Of course, all of this introspection does get me into trouble, including when I think about all of the other artistic endeavors at which I’d like to begin in this life of mine. I love writing, I love sharing, I love commentating upon this world about me, I love sharing these thoughts with others — thus, my question would be to myself, “Why can’t I combine all of these things (things that I love to do), and create a vocation out of it?” I’m not thinking of this in career terms (though writing would be my career), but in terms of living a life that means something, both for my personal benefit and in hopes of contributing something to the world. I guess that I keep waiting for this opportunity to drop into my lap, without any hard work and ass-busting on my part, but I have realized that I have to “begin the begin” (to quote Michael Stipe) and get to work. The question now is, “Where can I get started? To whom do I contribute? To whom do I submit these thoughts, ideas, ramblings of mine (in article form)?” As soon as I see things beginning to fit somehow, they start to fall apart again. Urgh….

Apr 13 2005

Urgh….

Category: Uncategorized — dryvetyme @ 20:00

OK then….

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here, though I told myself that I’d find a way to talk more on here. Oh well, here I am again, but I’m not sure that things have changed much. I did pretty well at my solo show last weekend doing covers of music that I love — The Cure, Johnny Cash, & U2. I really liked being up there, discoursing on music and ideas that matter to me. I know that I’ve always wanted to do that — play music, talk to people, connect with people — I’m just having a bit of trouble getting started. I’m not sure who to call, who to contact, where to go to set up concerts. I think that I’m psyching myself out by telling myself that the folk singer concept is totally misunderstood in popular music, esp since it doesn’t sell volumes of records & doesn’t get on pop radio. But when I think about it from that perspective, I shouldn’t worry about not getting that big, because that shouldn’t be my goal or purpose. My major focus should be upon writing songs that I love, writing music that people can connect with, play shows that I would want to attend as a fan. It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is sometimes….

And then, here’s this — I’ve been dreaming a WHOLE lot lately, and that’s really strange for me, since I’ve never been one to remember his dreams or even having dreams. Continue reading “Urgh….”

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